Research from marketing experts reveals pitfalls to watch out for and tactics for success

Dating can come with new and sometimes frustrating challenges. Once upon a time, relationships were often arranged by families and guided by social norms, limiting individual choices, but we no longer have to struggle with endless decisions. Today, single people have an endless number of potential partners at their fingertips. A 2019 Pew Research Center study showed that couples who met online were more diverse in terms of income, education, political orientation, and ethnicity.

Freedom can come at a price

According to psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, freedom sometimes comes at the cost of feelings of helplessness and isolation. We are marketing researchers investigating online dating to determine whether the market ideology of freedom and unlimited choice extends to every aspect of human life. Our research revealed that users' feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction stem from a conflict between their perceptions of the commodification of relationships and their social values.

Some study participants described online dating as “exhausting” and expressed expectations that they would be able to “eventually” complete the process. Didier, a 51-year-old engineer living in Paris, called online dating “mass manipulation.” Ella, a 25-year-old editor, said that at first online dating was “exciting and new,” but as time went on she found the experience depressing.

So why, in the face of endless opportunities to love, do we sometimes feel like love is not forthcoming?

“Liquid” Modernity and the Rise of Emotional Capitalism

in his book liquid love, British sociologist Zygmunt Bauman argues that the modern world has ushered in an era of “unfettered individuals” who prioritize freedom and flexibility over attachment. This has transformed traditional notions of love and relationships into more temporary and “fluid” forms.

French-Israeli sociologist Eva Illouz echoed these observations, arguing that people living in today's capitalist societies face unique challenges due to evolving norms and values. According to Illouz, as a society we no longer uniquely view love through a framework of moral virtue, commitment, and stability, but this means we have more control over our love lives and are becoming more self-aware. , is the price we pay for equality between men and women. . Against a backdrop of media-promoted ideals that often set unrealistic standards for love, people are hesitant to invest in the emotional effort required for deeper connections.

value deviation

What happens when two people's relationship values ​​and expectations don't align in an online dating setting? As our research shows, this mismatch can cause frustration. For example, one participant may be looking for a long-term relationship, while another may be interested in a casual relationship or expanding their horizons. Both will perceive the other's behavior as inappropriate.

Mark, a 26-year-old management consultant who likes to set boundaries, describes the sense of frustration he felt when women he met on apps wanted to connect on social media or call him frequently. said. In contrast, Alice, a 54-year-old administrator, said that many men she meets online are not open about their marital status. She even developed techniques to check if a potential partner is in a relationship, such as hanging up on her immediately or always paying in cash.

In some cases, these conflicting desires can even be experienced by the same person. Despite striving for commitment, trust, and intimacy, they may be unwilling or unable to break free from the bondage of unlimited choice. Derek, a 38-year-old entrepreneur, reflected on the gap between his own romantic expectations and his online dating experience:

“For me, long-term relationships are about values, human values. And then you meet someone on a date and the next morning you get another new profile and you think, 'Oh, wow.' And the women and men I met last night, , they're at the bottom of the list.”

This mismatch can lead to negative experiences, abuse, and even mistreatment online. Rose, a 23-year-old university lecturer, said dating was associated with fear for her because of the “scary stories” she had heard from other people. In fact, other study participants (whose names have been withheld) have reported verbal abuse, encounters with people who look nothing like their photos, and even people using fake profiles. The experiences ranged from painful to traumatic, including sexual assault by.

gamification of dating

The non-institutionalized social environment of online dating can create a situation where there are few or no shared social connections between partners. This can lead to what is perceived as a “gamified” experience, as people you meet online are perceived as less “real” than those you meet through friends or family. This reduced sense of reality can make behavior difficult to predict, as there are no specific sanctions for actions that would normally be considered unethical.

denial and shame

While many study participants enjoyed the options offered by dating apps, some were hesitant to admit that they used dating apps, and the situational and temporary nature of the condition became apparent. The “biased” nature of online dating, if you find a partner this way, people in your social circle may think there is something “wrong with you” because you couldn't find a partner in “real life dating.” Some spoke about the realization that they might think, “Life” through traditional means.

uncertainty

Such uncertainty occurs when people are unsure about the norms and outcomes of social interactions. This can occur if the framework within which the dialogue is taking place is not clear. Because the terms of the relationship are not clear, both parties feel vulnerable and prefer not to open up too much to avoid the possibility of getting hurt. Communication codes are also often unclear, sparking various debates in online communities, where users seek advice in explaining the behavior of their dating partners.

survival strategy

Embrace the highest authenticity in yourself and others

If you're using a dating app, consider the bold strategy of authenticity. Self-promotion is fine, even necessary, but so is conviction, realism, and honesty. By doing so, you can strive to match you with a partner who sees you for who you are, not who you project yourself to be. Choose an attractive photo that not only shows off your desirable features, but also expresses some of your beliefs and true self. Let's shine a light on magic!

Use app features to narrow down your choices

When looking for relationships online, it's important to make the most of the resources available and avoid missing out on potential connections. Consider using filters and search tools to narrow down your search for compatible partners. Specify preferences like age, location, and shared interests to increase your chances of finding a meaningful connection.

enjoy the little things

In this unique situation, it's important to adapt your approach and redefine what “value” means to you. Rather than measuring success by a single metric, consider redefining success to include other dimensions, such as meaningful conversations and shared interests. This flexibility allows you to readjust your expectations and discover value in your app experience, even if it doesn't align with your original goals. Love is built on shared emotions.

You can listen as well as speak

Don't be afraid to discuss your expectations with a potential partner. The most important thing is to believe them when they say they're not looking for a committed relationship, instead of trying to change them or expecting them to reconsider. Show them you're listening instead of just spreading preconceptions.

Know when to stop while continuing to explore

Last but not least, don't give up. As online dating becomes more and more accepted, more people are finding real relationships online. Despite all the hurdles, over 12% of marriages begin online, according to a Pew Research Center study. Think of dating apps not as a never-ending search, but as a means to an end, and potentially a happy end.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.