- The Bird Test is a popular way to assess the reciprocity of a relationship on TikTok.
- Introduced by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, it involves sharing a “bid” for attention.
- I've been using this for years and it lets me know which friends are genuinely interested in my life.
For most of my life, I didn't know what real friends were like. I was attracted to people who were cheerful, had a similar sense of humor, and had the same frustrations about work and childhood.
This wasn't a foolproof strategy, at least not for making meaningful connections. Over time, energetic friends can become fickle, funny friends can become negative, and friends you used to look to for daily support can turn into new friends when greener pastures appear (a.k.a. your boyfriend). It turns out that if you can do it) it can disappear.
It wasn't until I read about “bidding” that I understood how to identify a quality relationship.
In a 2014 article for The Atlantic, writer Emily Esfahani Smith shared a simple but powerful tip from psychology researcher Dr. John Smith. Based on research conducted by John and Julie Gottman on newlywed couples in the 1990s.
A “bid” is a request for attention, and it can be as simple and seemingly insignificant as someone saying, “Look at that bird!” In happy, long-lasting relationships, partners respond by looking out the window and commenting on the birds.
This tip, now known as the “Bird Test” on TikTok, is used to subtly check the reciprocity of relationships of all kinds, from romantic partnerships to friendships.
Having relied on this tool for 10 years, I give Bird Test an A++ rating. Because it ultimately helped me sort out valuable relationships in my life.
You'll know right away if you're valued
got it. That is, I consciously approach every relationship ready to test a person and do not ruthlessly break off the relationship the moment they miss my demands. I try to sprinkle in more details about myself, especially light topics such as my hobbies.
When you meet a lot of potential new friends at once, paying attention to their bids can help you figure out who is worth investing your time in. People who show curiosity and enthusiasm for a subject they know nothing about are the ones I prioritize to learn more about.
As time went on, I realized that true friendships aren't built on how much we have in common or how often we meet. I have a friend that I rarely talk to because we live far away and have very different schedules. But when we catch up, we always feel each other electrically.
The bid made me appreciate my partner even more. Because when I bring up a topic, he always digs deeper and remembers little details that I can totally forgive if I forget.
I distanced myself from draining relationships.
In order to make room for new friendships to develop, I had to de-prioritize and in some cases delete friends that I found to be one-sided.
I'm a people-pleaser (sorry, I try to be!), so I spend much of my life thinking that being a best friend means always listening and offering support. I'm here. But I was quietly exhausted and exasperated, and the people who used to be mad at me for hours after I hit a career milestone or went on a sabbatical, never bothered to ask a single question. I wondered why.
Bidding is not a rigorous test. In some cases, your friend may be distracted, depressed, or too excited about their own news to notice your bid.
But if that dynamic is consistent, that's a sign I'm outgrowing the friendship. It doesn't necessarily mean ignoring someone completely, but it does tell me to not give too much of myself to relationships that feel unequal.
It makes me a better partner and friend too
I now pay close attention to other people's bids. Especially if it's about a topic that I can't relate to directly.
From this experience, I learned to focus on the small details of someone's life, ask deeper questions about them, and bring them up the next time we meet, rather than just passively nodding along until they start talking. I learned that.
For example, my friend was obsessed with popular fantasy romance novels, but I had never read the genre and knew almost nothing about it. But when she excitedly talked about it, I asked more questions and ended up reading (and loving) that series as well. Hearing her bid, we moved even closer.
I also try to catch myself when my fiancé tries to tell me about an article he's read and I'm too glued to the screen to fully listen to him. I apologize, put down the phone, and lean into the conversation.
Mutual respect and concern are the foundations of a healthy relationship. Being aware of our bids can even defuse conflict by reminding us that we are two different people and each deserves the other's attention.
