Welcome to uncomfortable conversations about money. In this new series, we tackle money-related topics and situations that make you anxious. We will outline the problem and introduce some possible solutions.
Today's topic: How do you talk to your parents about death and finances without seeming like you're struggling with money?
Daughter wants to avoid repeating suffering after father's death
dilemma: Last year, Melisa Gotto's father passed away.
“We talked about death and what accounts he had at the time of his death and what his wishes were, but the nitty gritty… I didn't really go into it,” he said.
But Gotto said she and her father, Dave, weren't prepared for everything that came with being tied up with everything from funeral arrangements to finances.
For example, her father had a burial ground in California, but died in Nevada. She did not know that transporting her body across state lines would cost $10,000 and require special permission from the health department.
Gotto's parents were divorced. Now, Gott wants to avoid the headaches and heartache that plagued him after his father's death. She began talking to her mother, Kim Slinglaff, 69, about how Slinglaff would live the rest of his life and how to prepare for her mother's death.
“When you start talking about taboo topics, it becomes a very uncomfortable conversation,” says Gottor, CEO of Scandal Co-Active, a retail public relations and marketing agency. “As a society, we don't talk about death a lot, but it's something we all experience. I think we should all start talking about it.”
Gotto's father had verbally informed her that she would be the executor of his estate when he died. However, he left no other instructions for her or her brother, including details about her medical wishes or what exactly to do after her death.
“He was pretty organized and kept everything in a safe, but he didn't know where it was,” she said.
Gotto said her father also didn't have enough money to cover funeral expenses. And seven months after his death, she's still trying to claim the title for his car.
Gotto says he doesn't want to talk greedily about his mother's financial situation or her wishes after death, but he also doesn't want to repeat the same story as his father.
She started telling her friends who have children to “ask them a big favor.” It's very important, so please resolve everything before you become an adult. ”
Gotto said she and her mother are approaching the issue with compassion and empathy. Ms. Slingraf has been communicating herself verbally, but Ms. Gott knows she needs to put it in writing.
Gotto's advice to others is: “Make a list of everything you want to ask so you don't have to repeat the conversation over and over again.
“Have some patience and understanding. And if the other person doesn't want to have those conversations, you have to respect that too.”
Don't leave grieving relatives with a mystery to solve
Here's our expert advice: Talking about death and finances can be an uncomfortable conversation, and some of Certified Financial Planner Jean G. Varreca's clients are more willing to talk about it than others.
Some customers feel that they have to disclose everything: bank accounts, amounts, etc. … said Valecka of Valecka Wealth Management in Dallas.
“If I had to talk to someone about estate planning, financial planning, estate (planning), I would start by talking about things that benefit your loved ones. 'If something suddenly happens to you… , Who do you want to take care of or help?' … And it doesn't have to be a dollar sign, you just need to express your wishes more,” Varecka said.
Having such conversations and letting loved ones know where important documents are can be very helpful after death, she said.
Varecka's family also has their own experience with this issue. Her husband Bob knew he would be the executor of her uncle's estate. However, his uncle did not want to discuss details of his death or financial situation.
Bob Varecka's uncle, Joseph Varecka, was found dead the day after Christmas in 2022, unaware that his wife, who had dementia, had died next to him.
Bob and Jan Varecka had to work quickly to become guardians of their aunt and manage their uncle's estate.
But they had no instructions. They could not find any wills or estate documents. It turned out that a will, power of attorney, and other documents had been drawn up. They didn't find them until they went to court seeking emergency guardianship of their aunt.
The unanswered questions ranged from the important to the mundane. Did he want to be buried or cremated? My uncle and aunt had a lake house. But the Valeckas didn't have the keys, didn't know the security code to enter the well, how to turn it on, or if someone had cleared their driveway.
“It was a mystery to us,” she said. “It might have been easier if we had planned it out and not had those uncomfortable conversations.”
Varecka said Gotto's approach to talking to her mother with compassion was positive.
Some people don't feel comfortable talking about their death, she says. Some clients say death is all too real.
Unpleasant conversation:How to deal with grandparents who spoil their kids with holiday gifts.
Varecka suggested sharing your wishes and approaching your loved ones with the idea that you are helping them after death.
In that conversation, she said, discuss obtaining a will, health instructions, and even usernames and passwords for digital accounts. Varecka didn't know she would need a copy of her uncle and aunt's marriage license in order for her aunt to receive her uncle's Social Security benefits. Varecka added it to her estate documents.
Want to be featured in your next uncomfortable conversation?
The next topic is “Uncomfortable Conversations About Splitting Restaurant Bills.” You order a salad and water, your friend orders a steak and wine, and you want to split the bill evenly?
Can you share your bill-splitting dilemma story?
Do you have a topic you would like to suggest about uncomfortable conversations about money? Or would you like your uncomfortable conversations to be featured in a future article? Email blinfisher@USATODAY.com with “Uncomfortable Conversations” in the subject line Please send.
Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA TODAY. Contact her at blinfisher@USATODAY.com or follow her on X, Facebook or her Instagram @blinfisher.. Sign up here for The Daily Money newsletter, free for consumer news on Fridays.
