of science of brothers is a new series that explores how siblings affect us, from our money and mental health to molecules themselves. We'll be sharing these stories over the coming weeks.
In pop culture, stepbrothers get a distorted rap. On the one hand, there is Cinderella and her evil stepsisters. On the other hand, brady bunchthe six stepbrothers get along almost ridiculously well.
”brady bunch No help was given to us as to what to do in a stepfamily. That wasn't really the case,” says Caroline Sanner, an assistant professor of family science at Virginia Tech who studies stepfamily relationships.
“At best, a lot of people will be disappointed,” she says.
Sanner and other researchers have since brady bunch The show, which aired in the 1970s, taught us a lot about what works and what doesn't for step-siblings to get along. Some of their advice may seem obvious, but the rest may surprise you. Here are some research-backed tips.
Please take things slowly
“Becoming a stepfamily is a process. It's not an event. It takes time,” said Scott, who has written three books on blended families and has spent decades educating therapists and others about stepfamily research. says psychologist Patricia Papernow.
According to Papernow, new couples can be filled with excitement when they fall in love. “They want to form a family, and often they're in a hurry,” she says. But she says it could be too big a change, too soon, for her children from her previous marriage.
“One of the dilemmas is that as the rate of change increases, children are less happy. They need to move more slowly,” Papernow says.
Lisa Garrard and Kirsten Brandt James say their parents slowly moved in opposite directions when they fell in love in the early 1970s. Lisa's father and Kirsten's mother were both widows and each had her three children ( brady bunch family). They began dating one summer when Kirsten's mother took her daughters to visit family in Texas. Within just two months, they were married.
“I was shocked,” Kirsten said. For her, her marriage meant a move from her home in California to Texas, a new home with her new stepbrother, and a new school.
“I cried,” she says. “I thought, 'You're kidding, you're ruining my life.'“”
Lisa says that feeling was very much shared across the aisle.
“We weren't planning on going anywhere, but it was still a shock to us,” she recalls.
Despite this whirlwind start to being a stepfamily, Lisa and Kirsten agree that nearly 50 years later, all six step-siblings are still as close as could be. They Zoom every week to catch up.
“I love them all. They're all my brothers,” Kirsten says — no need for the “step” prefix.
And that lifelong bond may have something to do with the fact that the parents did many other things right.
create new family rituals
Research shows that it's important for parents to create new family rituals to help all in-laws bond. Kirsten and Lisa's parents took it seriously.
“My family had to go to church on Sundays. [went] On vacation with family. We are having a family meal. It was very family-friendly,” says Lisa.
Papernow says spending time together, especially in fun activities, helps stepfamilies create a “sense of us.”
For Lisa and Kirsten's family, most of that happened after their parents' marriage. But ideally, Sanner says, birth parents can start creating bonding opportunities for each child while they're still in the dating stage — with the new partner staying with them, of course. (Only when I am relatively certain that this is the case.) She says it's best to start with low-risk opportunities for kids to get to know each other, like ice skating or going to the park together. That way, she can find common interests, such as music, sports, and video games, without the pressure of already being her stepbrother.
“Establishing friendships earlier allows the process to occur on a more natural timeline,” Sanner says, allowing friendships to occur naturally.
Set aside one-on-one time with your biological child
While fostering new relationships within the stepfamily is important, it's equally important for parents to have one-on-one time with their biological children, Sanner said.
“From the children's perspective, a lot of things change when a stepfamily is formed. Their parents are developing a relationship with their new partner and even their partner's children.” she says.
And that can increase the stress and anxiety your biological child is feeling.
“While this can sometimes lead to feelings of jealousy, it often stems from something deeper, such as a sense of loss, sadness, or deep anxiety about how your relationship with your parent is changing.” Sanner says.
Larry Gannon, a professor emeritus of human development and family science at the University of Missouri who has studied stepfamilies for many years, said parents' concerns, who gets the bigger room, who eats more desserts, etc. points out that all siblings can compete for resources. But in stepfamilies, he says, there are often larger issues at the root of these conflicts. “Questions like, 'Am I loved? Do I belong here? What is my place? Who am I compared to everyone else?'” “There's a problem,” Gannon said.
When children feel loved and secure in their relationship with their biological parents, they say, They'll be able to relax a little bit, and they'll probably be less in a competitive mode with their step-siblings and more likely to try to bond with them,” says Gannon, who is currently working on the book with Saner and Marilyn Coleman, professor emeritus at the University of Missouri. To tell. Successful strategies for stepfamily relationships.
Do not force adhesion
Sanner says it's important to create opportunities for step-siblings to bond, but children should have some choice in whether and how they participate.
“There are so many things that are out of children's control during this transition period, and the feeling of being forced to bond with a new family member can be really overwhelming for them,” Sanner says. To tell. “By allowing your children to go at their own pace and respecting their feelings and how quickly they want to bond, you will be more receptive to bonding with step-siblings. No one wants to be in that same situation if they feel forced into a relationship with someone who feels forced.”
Stepmother Kylie Thompson took this to heart when one of her soon-to-be stepsons, Finlay, refused to attend his wedding to father Mark Mitchell. .
“About two weeks before the wedding, I said to Mark, 'Let him make the choice. This is his choice. He's adamant about it. We're not going to force him. He cannot, and if we force him, it will set the stage for even more anger in the future.”
Finlay, who was 11 at the time, did not attend. Seven years later, Thompson says the two have grown closer.
“Step-parenting is not a short game,” Thompson says. “This is a long game. If you're going to be with your new husband or wife for a long time, you're going to have to be with your stepchildren even longer.”
Gannon said stepfamily parents often hope everyone will bond and that things will “get back to normal” quickly. But the reality is that developing an intimate relationship takes time, sometimes even years. She said adolescents often take longer to adjust than younger children.
Leave discipline to biological parents
Being there for your stepchildren means building a healthy relationship with them. But research shows that relationships can deteriorate when stepparents discipline stepchildren before they have had time to build caring and trusting relationships, Papernow said.
“What actually works is for parents to continue in the role of disciplinarian,” she says. “Stepparents give their parents a lot of input without the kids hearing.”
This is very different from the common advice for parents to support each other in what Papernow calls a “first family.” But she says it's important to understand that stepfamilies are fundamentally different structures than first-marriage families, and what works in a first-marriage family can backfire in a stepfamily.
Another example? Birth parents are used to hearing that you're not their child's friend, but research suggests that what stepparents should strive for is a friendly support system.
“In-laws need to focus on what I call connection, not correction. It's building new relationships, not setting rules,” Papernow says.
Kirsten and Lisa's parents adopted this approach even though they had not done this research on discipline to guide them. Lisa said each child's biological parents would be responsible for administering the “extremely heavy-handed” discipline. “It was a message from her father, just like when I was grounded for a month because I was five minutes past her curfew one night,” she says.
That's a big change.Check your child's feelings about it
Both Lisa and Kirsten's parents were widows. Things can become even more complicated if a stepfamily is formed as a result of a divorce, which is now more common.
Sanner said her stepparent made it clear, “I know all of this change can be really difficult, and I want you to know what I'm doing.” It says it's important to reassure stepchildren that you're not trying to replace the other parent. I'm on your side, and I'm not here to raise you or be a parent figure. ”
She says it is essential to create a more positive relationship between stepparents and stepchildren. By doing so, you are more likely to get along well with your step-siblings.
According to Sanner, it is also important for stepparents to justify their child's feelings of loss and ostracism to the stepfamily. Because this is often the root of conflicts with brothers-in-law.
For example, Sanner and Gannon's research found that shared physical space, whether it's bedroom space or who hangs out in the basement, is one of the biggest sources of conflict between step-siblings. did. Even if you don't have all the answers, acknowledging your child's feelings can be very powerful, she says.
Sanner says that when step-siblings and in-laws are given the time and space to “actually find their own growth patterns rather than trying to impose a mold on them, we see positive results.”
She says the end result may not look like a traditional relationship between biological siblings, but that's okay too.
Ganon agrees. He advises families not to feel like they have to relive the nuclear family experience of their first marriage. ”I want them to think creatively and approach new families by asking, “What works for us?” Who are we? what do we need? '”
Every stepfamily is different, he says, but those differences can also be strengths.
