Dear Jane,
For years now, I've felt pretty miserable about my body. I've always been a big guy, and I guess you could say I have a typical “dad figure,” which has made me feel self-conscious for most of my adult life.
I'm very lucky in many ways. I have a wonderful wife, two wonderful children with her, and a successful career.
But after years of staring in the mirror and being frustrated and upset by what I saw, I finally did something about it. I talked to people at work who were proud of their bodies, joined a local gym, and decided to sign up with one of the trainers who had worked with many of my co-workers.
It may sound strange, but I was a little reluctant to tell my wife about it. I don't know if it was fear of failure or embarrassment, but I felt guilty spending so much money on what was really my own vanity.
So I started telling her that she needed to go to work a little earlier, do some training and then head to the office as usual.
Dear Jane, My wife thinks I'm cheating because I started working out regularly. How can I show my wife that this is not the case?
After a few weeks of this, I noticed that my wife was starting to act harsh towards me every time I walked in the door at the end of the day. And then she started making some snarky comments about how “important” my “work” must be if I was going to spend all day away from her and her kids.
I tried to talk to her about it several times and finally she said that she had suspected that I was cheating on her for a while. Her suspicions eventually led her to look at my phone, where she found several text messages from. Jenny (my trainer) is discussing when to meet. Basically, she came to the conclusion that I was cheating on her.
My first instinct was to laugh – the wrong reaction, I know – because the truth is so far from it, but my reaction only served to blindly infuriate her. I tried to explain myself but she doesn't understand why. I even offered to introduce her to Jenny so she could see for herself that nothing was going on, but she wouldn't be mentioned.
I've grown to love working out and how it makes me a stronger, healthier man…but now I'm afraid I'll have to stop working out to save my marriage. I'm worried that it won't happen.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers wise advice on DailyMail.com readers' most pressing issues in her column, “Dear Jane.''
What should I do here?
from,
sweat
Dear everyone who is sweating
Congratulations on discovering the benefits of exercise. And my condolences for the mess you've gotten yourself into.
Even if you don't know all the details, it's not that hard to show your wife that you're not cheating. Going to the gym and seeing what you do, who you know, and the community you're in will definitely ease her fears about her infidelity.
When it comes to vanity, you may have started exercising for vanity, but as you realize, the benefits are many times greater, especially the health benefits, which far outweigh vanity. exceeds.
Health, mood, and self-esteem are all helped by exercise.
Don't let your inability to communicate stop you from doing something that is very beneficial to you.
If your wife still refuses to come to the gym, you may want to make plans to see a couples counselor. This will give you a safe place to tell her why you started going to her, why you felt the need to distance yourself from her, and bring your shame and guilt out into the open. may be able to be exposed to
Your wife will feel comfortable expressing her fear and pain over what seems to her to be a betrayal. And I hope you both find your way back to each other peacefully.
Dear Jane,
I moved in with one of my close friends earlier this year, and I'm already confused by her nasty habits.
I've been friends with this girl since high school and I really love her. She is one of the closest people in my life. We've been through it together. But we ended up going to different universities, so we saw each other as much as possible, but I never had the experience of living with her.
But she's my best friend, so when she found out we were both moving to New York for work, she suggested we move in together.
It would be no exaggeration to say that it was a disaster. Because while she is a wonderful person, she also turns out to be a disgusting vulgar person. Trust me, I'm not being picky here.
She never cooks for herself, just simmers in pots of sauce and fat for weeks on end. Our shared bathroom was littered with half-used shampoo bottles, toothpaste splattered in the sink, hair on the shower walls, poop stains in the toilet, and just plain gross. condition. I've seen it too.
I tried to talk to her about it, but she always ignored it and said we were young, lived in New York, and had better uses for our time than cleaning.
Neither of us earn enough money to hire a housekeeper, so I always end up cleaning up her messes myself. But the truth is, I'm exhausted by it. And I think the best thing I can do to protect my mental health is to leave the house.
I don't know how to break it to her.
from,
absolutely filthy
Dear Absolutely Filthy,
I sit here, cringing in horror as I listen to your description of your living situation. They say you can't really know someone until you live with them, and as you're now discovering, your friend has told you that if you continue to live together, you'll end up ruining your friendship. There is an aspect to it.
You've already tried talking to her about it, and clearly she doesn't mind living in filthy conditions, but you can't change that. Even if you can afford to hire a housekeeper every week, the toilets and sinks won't clean automatically during that time…
It sounds like you love your friend for his many wonderful qualities. She doesn't realize how much she's disrespecting you by ignoring your requests.
What I know for sure is that people don't change unless they decide to change. She has already shown you that she is not willing to respect your needs. This means your anger is likely to increase and explode, putting an end to your friendship.
For the sake of that friendship, agree to break up now.
Please tell her the truth. I know you've already told her this, and it's not surprising, but expect her to feel blindsided by her. People rarely hear how difficult their actions are until it's too late.
If you say you're moving, she might say she'll change her behavior, but if she's naturally that messy and dirty, that change isn't likely to last.
