Dealing with manipulation and financial secrecy in relationships

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Dear Amy:

I live 4 hours away with my widowed elderly mother. I'll be in her area for a week soon for work, and I'll be taking her to brunch on Sunday while I'm there. she doesn't drive Arrangements were made and she managed to slip in. She said, “She wanted to go to church with me.'' Meaning: “I want you to take me to church before brunch.''

It's not that I disagree with the church's teachings, but I just don't want to go there.

My mother generally didn't take “no” for an answer.

I felt so pressured that I finally lied and said I had a meeting earlier that afternoon.

I feel manipulated. If she had no such history, I probably would have accepted her request more graciously.

One incident that sticks in my mind is when my husband and I invited her to dinner for her birthday. We had planned a 4 hour trip to get her out.

The day before, I found out through someone that she had invited my estranged sister and her husband behind my back. We ended up staying at home.

Now I can't seem to get the idea out of my head that she is cheating and manipulating me.

I'm probably more angry than I should be. I also feel guilty about everything.

Do you have any advice? Should I give in and take her to her church? If I have a hard heart, please tell me.

– I got scammed in Illinois.

Dear deceived:

Your mother pushes your buttons because of her history of manipulation, at least when it comes to you.

But sometimes older women just want to go to church and use sneaky means to get there. (Remember that feeling when you were a teenager without a car and always had to ride?)

Unfortunately, you have a sudden reaction to your mother. This can be traced back to your sharing history.

But then again, sometimes older women just want to go to church.

Sure, you're more angry than you need to be, but you're on high alert and overcompensating.

(By the way, your lies to get out of this situation are also sneaky.)

Yes, you should give in and take her to church. Have your girlfriend sit and sit in her car or fellowship hall until her service is over. You should also find out if your church has a program that provides rides to elders. With this social lifeline, mothers may be less mean on Sundays.

After church, try your best to have an honest conversation with your mother about what happened on her birthday. Use “I statements” and talk politely, openly, and honestly about how this made you feel.