When you're so happy and in love, you don't want to think about breaking up someday. But if you decide to go to the Netherlands with your pet, it's worth a serious discussion.
As birth rates decline and raising children becomes more expensive, many millennials (myself included) are treating their pets like surrogate children. That's why when couples with dogs break up, things can get very complicated. If you're really worried, you can also write something down in writing.
If you ask me, it's a pre-pup.
My friend Michelle had three dogs living with her when she broke up with her partner of 10 years. However, after the breakup, she was unable to take them on full time. Michelle kept one and replaced the rest. And everything was uneventful for a year until Michelle's ex-husband decided it was too upsetting to see her, even at her drop-off and pick-up.
“I kindly reached out and said, 'Can I just see it for a few days?' I will arrange for someone to pick you up. We can choose the location. We don't need to know where you live. For example, you don't have to talk to me or meet me. For a few days, even if he just takes a day or an afternoon walk or whatever, just for the chance to see them. I will do whatever it takes, make it as easy and painless as possible for you. 'And they came right back to me and said no,' Michelle says. “I said, 'Hey, is this forever? Or is it just for now?' And they said, 'I don't know.'”
Michelle hasn't seen the puppy in five months. We will not use her last name. Because she fears it will hurt her chances of seeing the dogs again.
When I asked Michelle if she was thinking about consulting a lawyer, she said she was just hoping that her ex-husband would change his mind.
But for some people, a lawyer is the natural next step.
“Legally speaking, he's hers,” says Mario Batres, an American Staffordshire mix named Blue who lived with his ex-boyfriend for five years.
In contrast to child custody, pets are considered property in civil court. This means that if your ex refuses to let you see your dog, no one will help you get your dog back. Unless you have something in writing that protects you.
Jill Ryther of Ryther Law assisted Buttress with her lawsuit.
“Ownership is nine-tenths of the law, so in this situation whoever owns the dog, cat, horse, whatever, has the advantage,” she explains. “What we try to do in those situations is often reach a settlement, which will be a custody arrangement that the parties agree to.”
Sarah Thompson, Reiser's law partner, said these types of lawsuits are becoming more common.
“There are a lot of same-sex incidents, right? And I think there are a lot of cases where they're not married, they don't intend to have children, and the dog or cat is their child.”
In Buttress' case, lawyers negotiated a joint custody agreement, but her ex ultimately backed out. Now the dog is his.
“Right now I have full custody,” he says. “In the end, it was a little too hard for both of us to share him. And in the end, she did what I couldn't do and relinquished ownership of her.”
Fortunately, for some people it is much easier to negotiate with an ex-lover. Anthony Holliday peacefully separated her dog Earl from her ex-partner and recalled conversations early in the breakup about what to do with Earl.
Anthony Holiday's dog, Earl, is a big Swiftie, and he and his ex-partner had to play her music on repeat during the 10-hour drive home after they adopted him.Photo by Anthony Holliday
“He was very nice about it. He was like, 'If you want to keep him, I'll still help pay for the stuff,'” Holiday recalls. “So I thought, 'I'm very open to sharing, especially if I'm sharing his expenses.' Sharing him makes sense.”
