You worked hard to provide a great life for your child, and although you were never a “perfect” parent, you did the best you could with what you had at the time. You gave them unconditional love, encouragement, and support. In your eyes, you are a much better parent than your own, and I'm proud of you for intentionally choosing to be different.
But now your child is resentful of you and is blaming you for their mental health problems. It's your fault that they're suffering from anxiety and depression, and you throw all kinds of blame at them, ignoring the many sacrifices you've made for them.
You try hard to listen and get the point across, but your own anger and confusion get in the way, and the discussion never ends in a peaceful resolution. You can't understand their childhood perspective. Because that's not how you remember it. Their perspective seems grossly unfair, wildly inaccurate, and perhaps even a little ridiculous. Apologizing for something you didn't mean to do feels wrong and draws you further into anger and frustration.
As parents who love their children, dealing with these relationship challenges can be an emotionally challenging experience. You may be blinded by blame and resentment and struggle with guilt, confusion, and responsibility.
I never expected to hear that my parenting style was causing suffering, so I found it helpful to use empathy as I tried to reconcile my good intentions with the unintended effects on my child's mental and emotional health. You may be overwhelmed by a mixture of feelings of helplessness and helplessness.
This difficult situation can make you feel helpless. You can't change the other person's perspective or force them to let go of their grudges and anger, but that doesn't mean you don't have options.
Advance
Dealing with situations where your child is blaming you for their current mental health issues requires sensitivity and open communication. Here are some suggestions you can consider. Note that these steps do not have to be performed linearly.
Listen empathetically, not defensively. Even when we think we are listening, we may actually be waiting for an opportunity to tell our side of the story, refute our point of view, and show them wrong. yeah. Although this is a common defense mechanism, it rarely leads to a peaceful resolution.
When you listen empathetically, you listen to how the other person feels, not what they think. To do this, you need to ignore the other person's accusations and focus on the emotions that are causing them. If the only emotion they are expressing is anger, keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion caused by fear or hurt.
Validate their feelings, not their perspective. Acknowledging and validating what they feel doesn't mean you agree with their point of view. It means you are engaging with them on an emotional level, and this may help start repairing the relationship. Using phrases like “I can see that you're very upset and hurt” shows that you're meeting the other person where they are, rather than trying to invalidate their feelings. .
reflect. When I was a child, my mother would regularly tell “blatant” lies about the smallest things. “What will people think?” was a phrase I often heard and that was her way of justifying her lies. I was too young to understand that this behavior stemmed from her own insecurities, her deep fear of being viewed negatively by others.
mom didn't do anything to meHowever, what she modeled still had a negative impact. For most of my adolescent life, I believed that there was power in perception, regardless of its distance from the truth, but I also came to fear it. This led to chronic self-doubt and anxiety, which ultimately took a toll on my mental health.
Self-reflection as a parent is a very important and often difficult step. Because we need to consider not only what we have given, but also everything we have modeled for our children. Next, it is equally important to explore and understand the causes of your own behavior. Doing so may increase your child's ability to listen and discern the impact of their behavior.
This does not mean you are to blame, nor does it mean your child has “won.” With that kind of thinking, you will never be able to come close to a peaceful solution. This means seeing things as they are without judgment.
Focus on connecting with the emotions you experienced as a child. This gives you the opportunity to meaningfully connect with your own emotions. When you feel hurt and angry toward your parent, recognize that you and your child have something in common and that your feelings will bring you together, not separate you. please.
Courage and grace are essential in this process. Courage and grace will help you face uncomfortable truths and move through this step with resilience and compassion.
apologize. The most powerful apologies come from a place of truth. Regardless of your intentions, an apology based on what you discover about yourself can be effective if you reflect and identify ways in which your actions and choices may have unintentionally impacted you. . The most liberating thing for both of us. “I am sorry that I did not realize at the time that this was affecting you.“A sincere apology opens the door to reconciliation.
Share and compare. Share with them your experiences and how you felt before becoming their parent. Don't do it in a way that suggests competition, for example, “My life has been harder than yours,” but rather a sincere desire for a deeper connection. What you are sharing is not meant to justify, but rather to explain and hopefully explore together.
Dysfunctional patterns of relationships within a family system can be passed down from one generation to the next, and if both parties can identify unhealthy patterns and beliefs, they can change things for future generations. can be decided together.
Give them space. Love is something that two people do, so it cannot be repaired alone. If you apologize from a place of truth and they remain angry and resentful, know that you have done your part and there is little else you can do. Apologizing over and over again may be a waste of energy. You can't oblige them to forgive you. No matter how hard we try, we cannot speed up their mental, emotional and spiritual evolution.
Also, if you find yourself ruminating for hours trying to keep track of how the other person is feeling and what they are thinking, you can consciously distance yourself from their inner world and focus on your own. Let's go back to. It's impossible to know for sure how they feel or what they're thinking, but you'll always know what's true for you.
conclusion
Please note that every parent-child relationship is different and these suggestions may need to be tailored to your specific situation. If possible, seek professional guidance from a therapist or counselor. By doing so, you will be able to navigate these complex dynamics and gain a deeper understanding of yourself.
To find a therapist, visit Psychology Today's therapy directory.
