When I brought home a new dog, a 4-year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Grace, for the holidays last year, I was nervous. I didn't know how she would react to her unfamiliar surroundings, so I kept searching her floor for anything she might swallow. She wasn't fully house trained yet, so I was always watching to see if she started walking in her circles, a sign she needed to go potty. .
After a week had passed, my mother gently called out to me. “You’re a helicopter parent,” she said. “Maybe Grace will do better if you stop hovering over her.” That comment made me uncomfortable. I always thought I'd be a good pet owner, but now that I'm actually caring for another living thing, I realize I might not have that talent. I began to worry about what this meant not only for Grace, but also for our future children. Was I also destined to stay above them someday? Or if you learned to let go a little with Grace, could you carry that lesson with you when you have children of your own?
It's a cliché at this point to think of dogs as “beginner kids,” but there's a grain of truth to this. As my colleague Katherine J. Wu recently reported, Millennials are having children later, adopting more dogs, and often considering these pets to be part of the family, just like humans. . Many people get a dog before having a baby. In fact, in a 2021 survey commissioned by the pet food brand, 4 in 10 dog and cat parents said they had their pets tested to see if they were ready for a child. Of course, raising animals is in many ways completely incomparable with raising children. People who don't actually want to own a dog shouldn't get one as a practice baby. That being said, there are things about pet parenting that can be taught to future human parents. Some connections are obvious, such as “potty” training. But in a broader sense, owning a pet requires taking responsibility for the well-being of another living thing. This experience provides insight into your tendencies as a caregiver and, with the right amount of self-awareness, provides an opportunity for growth.
There are many different ways to prepare for raising a child. Reading advice books is part of that. You might get some tips, but the learning is just theoretical. You can get closer to real-life experience by taking care of a human child, perhaps as a babysitter. Experts said this is close to best practice. However, as teen babysitting has become rarer and families tend to be smaller, the opportunity for the average person to do so has decreased as children have fewer opportunities to see younger siblings and cousins. are doing. Responsibly raising a pet, especially one that requires more attention such as a cat or dog, falls somewhere in between. Dogs are probably the most relevant given how much effort goes into training them. Importantly, caring for a pet allows you to learn by doing, Susan Walker, a professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota who specializes in parenting education, told me.Read more general advice That means it's more effective.
Both dogs and children need help learning how to behave. However, when it comes to dogs, it is of course a matter of simple do's and don'ts rather than the morality of right and wrong that we try to instill in our children. However, some good dog training principles can be applied to teaching young children. Experts generally agree that for both groups, positive reinforcement should guide discipline. Whether the problem is your toddler's coloring book on the wall or your puppy chewing on your shoes, parenting coach Elizabeth Stitt recommends responding with a quick fix followed by a warm distraction. . She might say “no” and give the dog a bone toy and the child a coloring book. Perhaps most importantly, keep these expectations consistent and repeat the lessons over and over again. “Parents will tell me, 'I've told my kids a million times,'” Stitt told me. “Good. That's what you have to do.” Grace still pulls on the leash at least once a day when I walk her. Each time I have to stop and wait for her to come back and give her a treat when she starts walking again.
Moreover, both dogs and children have no choice but to communicate without using words. Gail Melson, a professor emeritus at Purdue University who studies families and animals, says learning to read a dog's cues can help strengthen “perspective-taking” skills, or the ability to see the world from another person's perspective. he said. Developing that muscle may make it easier to later interpret a child's early attempts at self-expression. Knowing firsthand that what appears to be misbehavior may actually be a sign of fear, boredom, or frustration can help you develop the patience you need to parent. Perhaps instead of reacting with anger, you could think:What are the motivations behind their behavior and how can we meet their needs?Sherry Volshe, a professor who studies human-animal interactions at the University of Wisconsin-River Falls, explained to me.
And if you get a dog with your partner, you'll be doing all this learning with them. Think of this as rehearsing some of the co-parenting steps. “Oftentimes, couples end up blindsided because they don't necessarily have a plan for who's going to feed the baby, who's going to diaper the baby, who's going to wake up at night,” says Darby Saxby of the University of Southern California. A professor who studies the transition to parenthood told me. Dogs aren't that big of a job, but you still have to share who walks them and who feeds them. Doing this fairly “could set a healthy precedent” for sharing childcare responsibilities, Saxbe said. When you finally have kids, you'll probably already have a framework in place to discuss a common approach.
But more than chores and training, raising a pet or even a child requires sacrifice. No matter how tired you are in the morning, you still have to get out of bed to soothe your crying baby or take your dog out to pee, Saxbe explains. If a child or pet gets sick, your workday will be interrupted. And you can't take a break unless you get a sitter. However, even in such cases, you want to be able to contact them in case of an emergency. “I think this is a really dramatic change for people who have never had a baby or a pet,” Saxbe told me.
Adjusting your schedule to fit the rhythm of life with your dog may also help you make room for your future baby. Perhaps they should have restructured their budget to pay for veterinary care. Some of Laurent Simpson's research subjects may have made that decision. Perhaps you're used to staying out late at night to get home for your dog. You may have gathered friends to watch over your pet or baby in a pinch. As experts have told me, building community is essential to any type of caregiving.
On a deeper level, caring for a pet can prompt personal reflection. It may provide a window into who I am as a caregiver. Mr. Volshe explained. Are you pushing it too far? Are you being too strict in your discipline? “Regardless of whether we're talking about dogs or human children, parenting styles are very similar because we focus on the behavior of human caregivers. “Because there are humans,” says Monique Udell, a professor at Oregon State University who studies humans. -She taught me how to interact with animals. And as Udell's research showed, the ideal parenting style, or authoritative parenting, is the same for dogs and children. Authoritative parents have high expectations for things like dog training and children's schoolwork, but they are also caring and responsive to the needs of their dependents. Although needs may be very different, people who care for both pets and humans should strive for a balance between warmth and structure, Udell says.
Of course, there is no guarantee that the person who owns the pet will take advantage of this opportunity and begin to master its balance. Unfortunately, no one I spoke to knew about any research on the transition from pet parents to human parents. Melson explained that people sometimes learn through a process of “generalization,” in which they apply what they learn in one domain to another. However, there are times when learning tends to be “fragmented.” And we don't know if pet parents are generalizing or compartmentalizing these lessons. That being said, almost everyone I talked to, people agreed that: did it You learn parenting skills from owning a pet, especially if your pet approaches the process with intention.
So I've been trying to do that with Grace. As I have gained her confidence, she has gained her confidence. When I first got her she was scared of almost everything: her car, walks, the vacuum cleaner. My lap was her safety blanket and I was intent on soothing her. But as she practiced, I got better at tolerating her discomfort to my own. Rather than preemptively comforting her when going to her new place, I train her patience, give her plenty of positive reinforcement (i.e. treats), and gently encourage her to explore. I learned that. There are so many things in the world that I really want to smell. He still flinches when a motorbike passes by, but sometimes he chases fallen leaves or jumps on pine cones. If she needs her reassurance, I'm there too, but I've noticed that she turns to me and trembles less and less.
