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You just started dating someone new, but things heat up when you realize you haven't asked about their sexual health.
Maybe you don't want to ruin the moment or make the other person feel judged. And since they haven't, Said They have a sexually transmitted disease, but they're probably fine, right?
Maybe not.
Sexual health is an important and natural part of our overall health, and bringing it up when finding out about potential romantic interests or relationships is as common as talking about your favorite foods or hobbies. That's true, says Dr. Janet. Brito is a psychologist and sex therapist at the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health in Honolulu.
But “sexual health topics are taboo and values-based, so it's difficult to address them,” Brito said. There may be concerns about how the other person will receive your question or that they may feel ashamed of their sexual choices.
But, nevertheless, “It's important to be proactive about your health,” Brito says, especially as rates of sexually transmitted diseases have increased in recent years. “It's better to take things into your own hands and take matters into your own hands rather than relying on others to decide for you.”
The most common sexually transmitted infections include HPV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes.
Dr. Jermaine Earle Cruikshanks, an obstetrician and gynecologist at Mount Auburn Hospital, said, “Just because your partner never mentioned an STI or you don't have any visible symptoms… I can't think of myself as safe.” Located in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Whether out of shame or selfishness, not everyone speaks openly about their sexual health. And for a while, many sexually transmitted infections, including gonorrhea, chlamydia and herpes, don't always cause symptoms, she added.
Additionally, it's easier to be proactive and prevent sexually transmitted infections than to deal with health problems. This is especially true because some sexually transmitted infections, such as HIV, hepatitis B, and HPV, are incurable and can cause health problems such as infertility or be life-threatening, says Earl Crook. Shanks said.
With that in mind, here are some tips for talking about STI status and testing.
First and foremost, experts say, the environment in which the conversation takes place is important. Rather than saving the discussion right before sex, try to do it in a calm environment.
At that point, “you're probably not thinking clearly because you're in the heat of the moment,” Brito said. Talking about it at the time will make things awkward, and you'll be more likely to say you don't care and think about the consequences later.
Experts say people should avoid accusatory or shaming comments about what they say, such as asking if a person is “clean.”
Earl-Crookshanks said the word has a pejorative connotation because “if it's not clean, it's dirty.” She added that the term is not the most scientifically sensitive and “some of the things it communicates are almost universal.” She says, “It's no longer necessarily that you're getting an STD because of your actions.”
Instead, speak kindly in a way that encourages open discussion and helps people understand that they are responsible for their health conditions rather than blaming them.
Brito said using the sandwich method is effective when approaching difficult conversations. You could say something like: So nothing comes out later. When was the last time you got tested?”
Earl Cruikshanks says getting tested beforehand and having the results available for your partner can make the discussion feel more normal. If you're nervous about bringing up the topic, it's also helpful to share it.
Handling partner responses
If a new boo says it's been tested, don't automatically take it as a green light to proceed. Both of you will need to detail the date, scope, and results of the test, as well as whether you had sex with anyone in the time since you were together.
If you tested negative for an STI at some point, but had sex with another person just before the test, “the best thing to do is to test again in three months to make sure nothing is wrong.” It's a high-risk situation if you have multiple partners, usually developing HIV or something like that,'' Earl Crookshanks said.
If they say they haven't been tested, you can ask them to get tested before proceeding with sexual relations. Depending on the nature of your relationship, you could also offer to get tested together and discuss when and where it's safe to do so, Brito said.
Experts say it's safest to pause until then. However, if you decide to continue your activity in the heat of the moment, use whatever protection you can, such as a condom or dental dam, or use only your hands so that your mouth or genitals do not have to come into contact with bodily fluids. Please do the activity you used.
What you should do if your partner is reluctant to get tested depends on why you feel that way. He might express that he notices some hesitation and wonders where it's coming from, Brito says. Maybe they're nervous about being seen, maybe they don't have money, or don't know where to go. If this is the case, you can suggest an alternative location or even offer to cover the cost.
Regardless of whether your partner's test was taken before or during your relationship, you absolutely need to see proof of the results in an official, dated document, Brito says. It would be great if they showed the results voluntarily, but if you have to request it, that's fine.
Earl Crookshanks says if someone is harsh on you to protect their health or holds you back from getting tested, that's a red flag and a sign of trust and respect for your partner's wishes. He said it could also be indicative of something larger, in terms of how a person feels about something. .
“Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who ignores what's important to you?” Brito said. “Listen…that gut feeling that says, ‘This isn’t right. Ordinary people know that. ”
If you need to get things done, you can say: I care about and like you, but I can't move forward with you because we both don't feel comfortable having sexual relations with you without getting tested. ”
Brito said if someone tests positive for a sexually transmitted disease, it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
“There are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases that have a really bad stigma that don't actually cause long-term problems,” Earl Cruikshanks said.
Both people should talk to their doctor about the diagnosis, effects and available treatments, she added. Read this story to learn how to tell someone about your diagnosis and other information about dating with an STI.
There's no need to end the relationship, especially if your partner is “honest with you and you all have a track record of open communication and seeing the results.” says Brito.
Testing positive can be scary and evoke many negative emotions, but that history can make the situation worth going through together.
