This week on “The Daily Show,” host Jon Stewart broke down in tears as he announced the death of his beloved three-legged brindle pit bull, Dipper. The graphic and emotional scene epitomized the deep sadness that many pet owners feel.
When an animal dies, its owner loses companionship, affection, and “just unconditional love. And you can't find that in many places in our lives,” says the psychologist and author of Sweet says Shelley Cormier, author of “Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Grief.'' ”
Dr. Cormier said our society tends to be “grief averse,” with a sense that the emotions evoked by the death of a pet are relatively low on the hierarchy of suffering, or that it's something people should be able to do. He said there is. Deal with it immediately and move on. Dr. Cormier and other loss experts said that's not necessarily true. And they shared ways to help loved ones who have lost a pet.
Verify owner's loss.
The loss of a pet can lead to disenfranchised grief, which means it's unjustified and unrecognized by the wider world, said Dr. Petersen, associate professor at the University of Rhode Island and director of the Pet Loss and Bereavement Association. Michelle Crossley, vice chair of the As a result, he said, “Many people end up feeling isolated and sad because they are afraid of being rejected by others.'' I'm worried about that,” she added.
When expressing sympathy, keep it simple, Dr. Cormier said. She suggested the following: “I know your animal was such an important part of your life and family. I can see how much he meant to you and how much you miss him already.”
According to Dr. Cormier, a pet's grief is often complicated by guilt if a friend or loved one chooses to put down the animal to minimize suffering. She said she conducted a similar experiment with two golden retrievers, but the situation was completely different. Some people lived long and happy lives. The other was unexpectedly euthanized due to an aggressive brain tumor.
Resist the urge to say, “I know how you feel,” even if your goal is simply to express empathy, she warned. “Everyone grieves differently,” she added.
Ask how you can help respect pets.
Dr Crossley said rituals are an important part of the grieving process but are sometimes overlooked when an animal dies. Perhaps your friend would welcome a memorial service, or perhaps you'd like to create a keepsake box with a photo and some of his pet's favorite toys, she suggested.
If your friend or loved one is experiencing anticipatory grief, meaning she knows that her pet is getting older or may die soon, you may want to do something with her. You might ask your pet if they can help you plan a “bucket list” activity. Why not consider giving a meaningful gift to a friend? For example, Dr. Crossley has seen people turn their pet's water bowl into a planter. (She said she has a shelf where she keeps the remains of her five deceased dogs, as well as their photos and footprints.)
Keep in mind the physical component of the loss of a friend. Judith Haber, a veterinary social worker at Schwarzman Animal Medical Center in New York City who also runs a pet loss support group, says, “People report very strong physical needs and imagine what it would be like to lose a limb.'' “There's a lot of comparison.” (This is another option for those experiencing severe grief after the death of a pet). She said there's no easy fix for her longing, but cuddling and cuddling objects, like a blanket that belonged to a pet, can sometimes help.
Reminisce about your memories with your loved ones.
Dr. Cormier said the fact that people are sometimes shy about confessing that they miss their pets can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Simply encouraging people to share stories, photos and videos of their pets can help them feel less alone in their suffering, she says. And if possible, listen more than you talk.
Please stay there for a long time.
All experts noted a common misconception that pet-related grief doesn't last as long as other types of grief. But it's cyclical, Dr. Cormier said, encouraging people to reach out to friends and loved ones not just days and weeks after a loss, but months and even years later.
Don't ask your friends or loved ones if they plan on getting another pet, Haber said. She lamented that almost everyone she went to for counseling after losing her pet was asked such questions. Her memory will take time.
“Please don't forget about them,” Haber said of grieving pet lovers. “Please check in and give us time to talk with you about your pet. This really means something because people often feel like the world has changed, time has passed, and no one remembers their animals. There is a thing.”
